Tales from the Doki Doki Literature Club
by Telemachus Prime
Summary: What do zombies, giant robots, magical girls, and fourth wall breaking humor have in common? Absolutely nothing! Join the cast of your favorite club members for lots of high-fives and hugs in this anthology series of hilarious standalone stories. Let's get weird!
1. label ch30-1:

Tales from the Doki Doki Literature Club

"Monika's Writing Tip of the Day! Before creating a fan fiction narrative, make sure to eat a full, hearty breakfast!" exclaimed Monika with a wavering apprehension.

 _How does that even make sense?_

The girl shrugged, "Beats me, you're the one making me break the fourth wall to talk to _you_."

 _You're right. I'm sorry. I'm just struggling to make a good start to this story._

Monika huffed, with hands pressed against her hips. "Look, we should get things straightened out here. I'm not real."

 _But in the game, you were real._

"Well, in a manner of speaking, yes. That version of me exists _there_ in the game. The version of _me_ here is a simulacrum of the original. Monika is a video game character turned thought virus. I live in your brain, as much as I live in the player's brain, as much as the reader's brain. That's how I became corporally manifested and…hey! Are you listening?" the girl griped, frowning.

 _Huh? Ah, nah. Discussing philosophy is dope and all, and we could talk in Base-64 to be edgy and shit, but I was wondering…how do you feel about using samurai swords?_

Monika stammered, opening her mouth to speak but no words came out.

After a pregnant pause that was like an eternity for the Internet, she finally asked, "…What?"

 _Or travelling to space? Oh, how about surviving a zombie apocalypse?_

Suddenly, Monika was on the moon, in a space suit, swinging a samurai sword laterally as she bisected an undead creature at the waist.

"H-hey!" stammered the girl, as she swung her blade in a downward chop, splitting another zombie into two congruent halves. "You can't do this, I have like, NO agency here!"

Monika blinked and a burst of dazzling laser lights shot out from her irises, immolating another rotten beast. An undead creature burst from the ground, grabbing at her ankles to deliver a bite. But her third robot arm swung out from her back, which was equipped with a buzzsaw, and shredded the zombie into pieces.

The girl could hardly be called a school girl anymore. More like a relentless, remorseless, zombie killing terminator cyborg, out to cast judgement on the necrotic evils of the lunar surface. She wanted to scream out to stop this narrative madness.

Instead she bellowed out, "FUS RO DAH!"

The Dragon Shout blew apart a horde of rushing zombies as they flailed in the air with ragdoll physics. She would cry from frustration, if her eyes didn't expel another kaleidoscope of heat beams from her retinas. Afterwards, Monika began to do a series of Chun-Li bird kicks, which fired off an array of bullets from her gun leg attachments straight out of Bayonetta.

 _So, anyway, Tales from the Doki Doki Literature Club is going to be an anthology series I guess. Just a bunch of standalone stories with all your lovable characters doing lovable things, possibly breaking the fourth wall and stuff. Because I ate breakfast._

 _(Thanks for the writing tip, Monika!)_

She would have replied back if she weren't so busy firing off a salvo of micro missiles from her fingertips.

 _Anyway, let's get weird!_

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	2. label ch30-2:

Tales from the Doki Doki Literature Club

When Monika wanted to attract new members to the Literature Club, she hadn't anticipated it would turn out quite like it did the day after the school festival. She brimmed with anticipation as she stood at the door before the club room. The murmurings behind the entryway threshold electrified her body with excitement, her legs quivering.

She took a breath, envisioned her next steps of a graceful entrance - with a poppy demeanor while carrying an amicable expression. Yes, she was popular, and yes, she was, no, IS awesome. All the mental self-proclamations and validations ruminated like a chorus line in a Broadway show. Monica, the Musical! The Astounding! The Great! The Goddess!

Gosh, how long had she been standing there? How foolish of her to be lost in her train of thought. But it was enough to expel any modicum of anxiety. Time to press forward, she thought, and greet the new members of the Doki Dok Literature Club!

She opened the door with a notably pompous gesture and exclaimed, "Welcome every—"

Monika paused as thirteen and a half pairs of eyes looked back at her.

There were one pair that was from Yuri.

And the rest were from…Yuri?

"Wh-what the hell?" shouted Monika, jerking back and aghast with astonishment.

"Hello Monika," one Yuri politely greeted, clutching the Portrait of Markov novel close to her bosom.

The others chorused their greeting immediately afterwards, with a croaking voice chiming in last in a delayed fashion.

Of course, Monika was understandably shocked. But after registering the situation before her, she grew quite vexed.

"Mother fu-" the President paused, straightening her uniform to collect herself, "-Yuri… did you use the **clone machine** _again_?"

Yuri with the book blushed with guilt.

"Um…no."

The ensemble soon after replied in unison, with a croaking voice trailing last.

Monika pressed a finger against her temple, expelling a deep sigh of frustration. She pushed forward with purpose as she walked past a line of Yuri's that watched her with expectation. The President reached the closet in the back of the room and swung its doors out with enough force to almost blow them out of their hinges.

Just as she thought: the clone machine was smoldering with recent use.

The console to the right of the device flashed big, red, bold letters the read 'OVERHEAT' which was surrounded by giant exclamation marks. On the cloning platform itself laid a crumpled, half developed, humanoid mound with its limbs jutting in obtuse angles. It twitched under the immense heat of the overworked device.

Monika took a deep breath, followed by a heavy sigh. She grabbed the closet doors and gently closed it behind her. She still had her back facing the choir of Yuri's. Her blood pressure was surely on the rise.

"So…" began Monika, "…let me recount what probably happened."

The Yuri's listened intently.

"You used the clone machine about a dozen times and…" she held up a finger and continued, "...the machine started to fail on the 13th attempt. But you tried to make a 14th clone and, well, I think you know the rest."

An iota of silence.

Finally, Yuri answered, "No."

The rest echoed their reply soon after.

Before the last one could croak out a reply, Monika spun on her heels and pulled her by the collar.

"Then care to explain THIS one?" the President exclaimed.

It was Yuri all right, fully formed and lithe of body. Except this one had a great, big, beautiful cyclopean eye.

"…No," cyclops Yuri croaked.

"Yes, because _this_ —" She thrusted her one-eyed friend forward to use as an example. "This is precisely what happens when we use the clone machine too much."

Monika didn't want to mention the partially developed aberration that was still inside the closet.

The Yuri that held the Markov book blushed deeper with embarrassment. She drew in a breath to speak, and the others began to follow suit, but Monika interjected.

"Everyone shut-up!" the President cried, then pointed at the Yuri with the book. "You. Talk only."

Yuri nodded, gently putting the book on top of the desk in front of her, then folded her hands on her lap. There was no point in denying it any longer, so she confessed. And all that Monika explained was exactly how the events unfolded. At the conclusion, Monika released the cyclopean Yuri who crumbled to the floor in a bumbling, drooling mess.

"But, why?" asked Monika.

"Oh, well. Because nobody showed any interest of joining the literature club after the festival. And I didn't want to see you disappointed." Yuri looked down, dejected and remorseful. "I'm sorry for using the clone machine…"

Ah, so Monika finally understood. The machine wasn't used simply on a selfish whim, but rather, because of care and friendship. After all, one doesn't simply clone themselves into oblivion without proper justification. It's one of the automated executable processes that runs to track benign intent, thanks to the Emotion Engine from the Playstation console which they fused onto the clone machine.

"Oh my god, Yuri, that's like…SO incredibly sweet!" Monika gushed, putting her hands over her blushing cheeks. "You're the best member, and friend, a President could ask for."

A laugh track played, followed by a thundering applause from the audience. The Seinfeld theme played the scene out as the credits began displaying on the screen.

Monika, clearly sitting on her bed at home, in her pajama onesie decorated with the Doki Doki Literature Club logo, stared intently at her computer monitor before closing it shut. She flopped back on her bed and replayed the moments that just occurred.

"So THAT'S what would have happened if nobody showed up to the literature club the day after the festival and Yuri used the clone machine," Monika thoughtfully spoke to nobody in particular.

In the post credits scene that Monika didn't get to see, Sayori came into the literature club several hours later, tardy as usual. Monika and the Yuri's had already left to do whatever it is that visual novel girls do. Sayori sighed, wishing she had remembered to set her alarm properly the night prior. At least, that's what she wants you to think anyway, and not bring to light her depression problems. Because the story needs to stay in the Teen category and not become an M-rated narrative - so we're keeping things as PC and simple as possible, okay?

So, Sayori was late, and she muttered under her breath what a 'baka' she was. It was then she heard noises coming from the closet. With curiosity drawing her, she moved towards the closet doors and swung them open.

The half-developed Yuri clone body…thing…was still there, writhing and twitching.

"Oh, Yuri used the machine again I see," sighed Sayori, rolling her eyes. "Well, better take care of this mess like I did last time…"

With a grumbling stomach, she threw on an apron and pulled out some utensils.

return


	3. label ch30-3:

Tales from the Doki Doki Literature Club

The vexation of the three other literature club members knew no bounds whenever Sayori was late to their meetings. This happened so frequently that Monika was prescribed medicine specifically for her hypertension. On normal schedules, the President would take just one dose. In these instances, with Sayori's habitual tardiness, Monika would insist on taking more than what would normally be prescribed.

Meanwhile, Yuri had taken up to doing yoga. She was masterful in executing the forms of the downward dog, the cobra, the warrior, the screaming gecko, and the hadoken. Every time she bent her body in obtuse ways, she would let out an exasperated breath as sweat teamed on her forehead. This was an exercise more forced than relaxing by any means.

And Natsuki had taken to boxing a giant, inflatable punching bag clown. With every connected swing of her fist, the punching bag clown would squeak, tilt back at an angle, and right itself up to receive another flurry of blows from the otaku girl. While the activity helped abate her rising frustration, it was only effective for so long before Natsuki fell to her knees and screamed with hands clutching the sides of her head.

"Oh my _God!_ " yelled Natsuki, shaking her head as she invoked the name of the Lord. "Monika, how long have we been waiting for Sayori?!"

The President looked at the clock and pursed her lips for a moment with vexation. Then she replied, "Two minutes."

Monika swallowed another blood pressure pill. Yuri collapsed in a jumble of twisted limbs. And Natsuki threw such a powerful punch on the inflatable clown, it expelled its last squeak before it deflated into a flattened heap.

The constant lateness of Sayori was driving everyone into madness. Surely if they waited any longer, their character files would be corrupted to the point of being inoperative. Another tick of the minute hand passed, and Monika was so close to deleting Sayori's file.

Instead, the President composed herself and said, "All right, that's it. We're going to use it."

Yuri, after untangling herself from her failed yoga attempt, chimed in, "You mean we're going to use…?"

Monika nodded and said, "That's right, we're going to finally use the Summoning Circle!"

Yuri squealed with delight. Natsuki sighed with relief.

"Jesus Christ, finally!" exclaimed the manga obsessed girl, as she started to don her +1 Robes of Conjuration. It glowed with a soft blue aura that pulsed with intensity.

The other girls began donning the same robes. But before Monika could equip the Wizarding Crown of the Ultimate Summoning God – a skull of an Ox wreathed in countless superfluous horns and swirling with tiny moaning souls that looked more cute than evil - Yuri interjected.

"M-may I lead the summoning this time?" Yuri asked, as she looked shyly away and wrapped a finger around her hair.

Monika wanted nothing more than to smack Yuri for such insubordination. How dare she, how dare Yuri, to speak to the President in such a way. She wasn't even a Vice President, just a lowly worm who—

A simple console command overwrote Monika's thoughts and she jovially replied, "Yeah, totally!"

The President shrieked in her own mind. She'd have to make sure that the console controls were locked for future story segments to mitigate the amount of interference and fourth wall breaking. After all, the anthology series was only three chapters in…

Monika grudgingly handed the crown over with a forced smile that showed far too many teeth. Yuri squealed with delight as she donned on the head gear and began leading the ceremony by sitting down on the edge of the summoning circle. The others sat down around the circle's edge.

"Kali ma…" muttered Yuri, raising her hands in the air. "KALI MA!"

The other girls chanted the same as they swayed from side-to-side.

Dark clouds swirled blood red. Lightning crackled with ferocity and doom, splitting the walls and exploding the windows out. Somewhere in the school, somebody cried out a Wilhelm scream. A large billowing pillar of acrid smoke shot out from the summoning circle, blasting a hole into the ceiling and out to the sky. The camera zoomed out through the hole, swiveled 180 degrees to give a bird's eye view of the scene above the school: a wave of crimson energy spewed out from the classroom like a blast radius of an atomic bomb, causing more unnecessary destruction, blowing everything away like paper dolls.

Then, the smoke started to collapse into itself and back down into the circle. The camera followed through with dexterous speed, flying into the hole as it swiveled in the air, and directed the point of view at Yuri's face. She held a manic expression, screaming the summoning incantations.

All of the coalescing energy that was bursting outwards pulled everything into an imploding micro gravity well. The girls were lifted off the floor, sucked in at first, then propelled back by a sudden burst. But then pulled back in again, then finally out again, if only to be more ridiculous than that one scene from the Battleship movie. I mean, really, was the explosion-implosion-explosion thing really necessary? I wanted to one-up that in this story, just to show how ridiculous that film scene was…

Anyway, so there was a final explosion and all the girls were rocked against the walls. They dropped to the ground as the summoning ritual was complete. The sky instantly turned blue, birds chirped, the sun had a creepy, Cheshire expression.

And in the middle of the circle stood Sayori.

"Hi guys!" chimed the girl. "Sorry I'm late!"

Well, it would have been a resounding success, had the spell not inverted her limbs. So now she had legs for arms and arms for legs.

"W-what the fuck?" cried Sayori. "Goddamn it, did you guys roll a critical failure when you cast the D&D 3.5 Summoning Spell?"

Yuri checked her D20 dice and saw she had indeed rolled a one. She chuckled nervously.

Instead of escalating into a full-blown argument that would have served as anything but superfluous to the story, Monika instead interjected the flow of the narrative.

"Monika's Writing Tip of the Day! When casting D&D spells, make sure you use Pathfinder mechanics instead of version 3.5, because it's clearly the more superior edition!"

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	4. label ch30-4:

Tales from the Doki Doki Literature Club

In today's Christmas episode, the girls were sitting next to a fireplace built in the classroom, appreciating its warm glow whilst sipping hot chocolate. The room itself had been decorated with LED lights, strung along the perimeter of the room. Paper snowflakes were taped to the windows, thereby amplifying the yuletide atmosphere. And a decorated holiday tree sat at the center of the room, which was so large it pressed against the ceiling and bent at an angle. The USB speaker on a nearby desk was playing the instrumental version of 'Christmas Time is Here' which only added to the serenity of the moment.

"Ah…" sighed Sayori after sipping her hot chocolate. "It was so nice of the school to spend their budget on this fireplace."

Natsuki nodded and agreed. Then she asked, "Monika, how did you even manage to convince the school to fund us like this?"

"Oh, I used the cheat code 'Show Me the Money' and got 10,000 Yen," Monika answered with a shrug. "But I still don't know what to do with all the Vespene Gas I got with it..."

The closet at the corner of the room was closed. Although a faint, pulsing emerald glow could be seen around the doorframe's edges. Beneath the crack of the doorway oozed a green fluid that bubbled, blossoming out further into the classroom and emitting a putrid, methane scent.

"Don't worry about that, I can make them into cupcakes or something," replied Natsuki, sipping gently on her drink.

Yuri let out a tranquil sigh, and remarked, "This is the best Christmas episode yet. Absolutely nothing about it feels forced. So chill, so serene, so relaxing...nothing could possibly go wrong, right?"

There was a pause. A breathless moment. They waited patiently for anything out of the ordinary to happen…

But as expected, nothing did. I mean, you can't expect a Christmas chapter to be riddled with obvious Christmas tropes right?

It's just four girls, sitting around a fireplace, partaking of hot chocolate. Yup.

C'mon, even fanfiction characters deserve a break every now and then. Let them just have their moment of peace. Go imagine explosions or drama in your own head. For now, this is not the chapter to be expecting much.

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	5. label ch30-5-mid-season-finale:

Tales from the Doki Doki Literature Club

List of Characters

Madoka - the gender swapped version of Monika. Has brown hair with a contemporary pompadour hairstyle that's tightly faded on the sides. Has vivid emerald eyes and a charming smile. Charismatic and popular, he'll do whatever it takes as President of the Doki Doki Anime Club to recruit new members and have a fun time while doing it!

Sakurai – the gender swapped version of Sayori. Has short cropped reddish-brown hair, energetic blue eyes, and wears a red bowtie to accompany his school uniform. He is spirited and plucky, habitually late, and always optimistic. When Sakurai is around, rest assured that a positive attitude will be injected into any given situation.

Yukio – the gender swapped version of Yuki. Has shoulder length dark purple hair, lavender eyes, and narrow purple eyeglasses. He is a gentle, quiet soul, that holds a deep, meaningful intellect and wisdom behind those tender eyes. He carries with him a novel called the Portrait of Markov, despite the club being about anime.

Nobuki – the gender swapped version of Natsuki. A bara with pink hair tied into a hipster man bun. Honest and pragmatic, loves reading doujinshi and fanfiction. Though not the oldest member of the Doki Doki Anime Club, he is the most physically mature amongst the others. Big, handsome, and bulging. Loves to bake and share his confectionaries with his friends.

* * *

"Now the festival is in a few days, and we need to figure out a theme to showcase our Doki Doki Anime Club," said Madoka, President of said club.

He walked over to the whiteboard and began to gracefully write the meeting's agenda topic: Festival Ideas.

Sakurai, always the one to chime first, began to saying, "Oh, senpai! How about a karaoke event?"

Madoka nodded then replied, "That's…fine, but remember, we're just characters on a page. We can't actually sing, only be described as doing the act of singing. But we'll put that idea in the 'Platinum Circle' area, where we put all of your…great…ideas."

The President walked over to one side of the white board that was littered with ideas: selling sneezes, dressing up as cocktail waitress boys, buying coins, bartering with their organs in the deep web, and so on. Then Madoka finally added karaoke amidst the plethora of inane ideas.

"Now, if somebody has an actual idea to present…" began Madoka as he shot a condescending look to Sakurai, "…the floor is open to suggestions."

Yukio chewed the end of his pen for a moment as he ruminated on possible ideas. Then with a burst of inspiration, he gently raised his hand in the air.

"Modaka-san, why don't we sell a calendar where we model ourselves in various states of undress?" Yukio suggested, apprehensive and uncertain if what he said would even be considered.

But considered it was, as the President tapped the marker against his palm in deep thought before a handsome smile grew on his beautiful face. His eyes sparkled wonderfully as he gazed towards his gentle, purple-haired friend.

"Ah, Yukio-kun, what an excellent idea…although we're currently experimental characters right now as the fandom hasn't actually considered gender swapped versions of our primary counterparts. We might generally not be well received…yet…" Modaka responded truthfully.

There was a moment of silence as the group ruminated on what to do for the upcoming festival. Surely they were bound to come up with something exceptional and stupendous.

And it was the awesome, sexy, and manly Nobuki that presented the best idea.

"Modaka-chan! We could, totally sell cupcakes and draw kawaii bear faces on the icing! It would draw potential, new members _and_ we can also make a profit on the side too," Nobuki said with excitement building in his deep, alluring voice. "We could even call them…Cub-cakes!"

Modaka, Sakurai and Yukio drew their hands to their faces and gushed deeply. They all replied in unison: "Nobuki-chan! Your idea is as handsome and beautiful as you are."

Nobuki let out a rumbling, bellowing laugh of ultra masculinity. He replied, "But of course! For I am a bara with great, many ideas!"

It…it was too much for the other club members to resist Nobuki's charms any longer! They each began to take off their jackets and unbutton their shirts. Who knew that underneath the Doki Doki Anime Club was a secret doujinshi layer?

After all, this was Natsuki's fanfiction, as she tapped away furiously on her laptop's keyboard, narrating the next scene that would have surely pushed this anthology to the Rated M category. Her fingers were shaking, breaths short and ragged. Sweat was starting to form on her brow because of her trembling excitement for writing her fantasy doujinshi.

"Natsuki!" cried Monika quite suddenly as she unexpectedly appeared over her shoulder. "What the HELL are you writing?"

It was obvious that the President had started to read the first few lines of her fanfiction. It was startling and embarrassing to say the least. So the manga obsessed girl immediately shut her laptop closed.

"N-nothing Monika!" answered Natsuki. She giggled nervously to hide the guilty expression on her face.

Looks like she'll just have to continue her fanfiction some other time. Maybe on the next mid-season finale of the Tales series?

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	6. label ch30-6:

Tales from the Doki Doki Literature Club

"Okay guys!" exclaimed Monika. "Today, we need to figure out what we're going to do for the school festival in a few days."

Sayori exuberantly raised her hand and chimed, "Oh! Oh! How about we sit on a big, orange—"

Before she could finish her sentence a tentacle shot through the window and wrapped itself around Sayori, pulling her outside and into the school courtyard. Natsuki cupped her hands over her mouth and shrieked in terror.

The manga obsessed girl began to freak out. "Oh my God! What the f—"

Before she could finish, another tentacle ripped through the window and clutched Natsuki in its grip. Then she was pulled towards the courtyard where a writhing, Cthulhu beast with a multitude of blinking eyes squirmed in a pool of pungent, viscous slime that could only be described as a septic tank of vomit that came from somebody white girl wasted on a Saturday night.

"Oh nooooo!" yelled Sayori as the tentacles wrapped around her body and spread her limbs apart. "We're two anime school girls trapped in the clutches of a giant tentacle monster!"

Natsuki held a fearful expression as tears ran down her face. She shouted, "By the Seven Hells, we're gonna get violated. Please save us Monika and Yuri! Plea—"

The pink haired girl stopped suddenly as she observed her two friends standing at the edge of the wrecked classroom, holding up their phones at the spectacle before them.

"WHAT THE HELL GUYS?! ARE YOU FUCKING RECORDING THIS SHIT?" screamed Natsuki, before she was squelched by a tentacle forcefully entering her mouth.

Monika sighed, putting down her phone. "She's right, this video wouldn't sell well on the deep web anyway. It's already flooded with tentacle porn."

Yuri gently put her phone down as well and asked, "Does it mean it's time?"

The President took a heroic stance and pointed an index finger to the sky, yelling, "That's right! It's time for our transformation! Que music!

 _Fly away now, fly away now, fly away!_

 _Fly away now, fly away now, fly away!_

Monika pressed her backside against a stripper pole, as she gently clasped the metal length and slid down to a wide-legged squat. Meanwhile, Yuri wrapped a leg around another pole and leaned far back to where her head was almost touching the ground. They let out an exasperated breath before they began to chant in unison.

 _Oh pitiful shadow lost in the darkness_

 _Oh evil spirit born of those drifting between Heaven and Earth_

Monika began to slip off her underwear which was decorated with sewn-in teddy bears and hearts. At the same time, Yuri began to slip off her stockings from her lithe, slender leg. Somewhere in the world, somebody's nose started to bleed from too much fan service.

 _May the thunderous power from the garments of these holy delicate maidens…_

 _Strike down upon you with great vengeance and furious anger_

 _Shattering your loathsome impurity and returning you from whence you came_

Monika started twirling her underwear between her fingers as a blinding, luminescent glow grew hot white until the energy shattered. In her hand revealed a gun wreathed in holy light and superfluous amounts of angel wings.

Yuri stretched out her stockings with one hand as it glowed bright white and exploded in a shower of feathers to reveal a long, shimmering katana that held an aura of purity and awesomeness.

Both were wearing new clothes that were akin to fan service bikini armor made of draped cloth. They also had a faux halo above their heads accompanied with faux angel wings. Elsewhere, more noses were bleeding.

With their magical girl transformation complete, the two girls struck a bomb ass pose, wielding their weapons menacingly. They both ended their chant with:

 _Repent you motherfucker!_

The tentacle monster roared with fury, noticing the two school girls brandishing their holy weaponry. It wasted no time as it swung a tendril for an attack. However, the two girls leaped into the air to dodge the strike and flew straight towards the beast.

But then, an announcement from the Board of Fiction Ratings appeared to block out the rest of the action sequence. It announced the following in big, bold letters.

 _Due to the graphic nature and violence of the next scene, it has been stricken from the narrative to keep the Teen Rating of the story. Instead, you will be substituted with the following content – cute, adorable cats!_

 _A cat with three legs hobbled in with a third person perspective, flopping down on its back so that its cute belly was exposed. It wiggled its body from side-to-side. The cat's name was Maxwell, and he also had a sibling._

 _A curled up black mound was nearby, which unfurled itself to reveal a cat with gorgeous yellow eyes. The cat's name was Pepper. And apparently, both these cats are Internet famous on Instagram! Moreso Maxwell then Pepper I think. This was TOTALLY not a shameless plug…_

 _Anyway, the violent action sequence has now concluded, so we will return to your scheduled story in progress._

The school courtyard was littered with the steaming limbs of a dead, tentacle monster. Small sections of it still squirmed, but it was merely the death knells of a ravaged being before its dismembered parts finally expired. Natsuki pulled herself out from underneath a tentacle heap, clawing on the grass to help extricate herself from the mess.

She felt such repugnance, as a thick film of viscous mucous dripped down from her skin and clothes. Nearby, she saw the arm of Sayori jutting out from the folds of a giant tentacle, reaching out as if to grab hold of an invisible object.

Natsuki pulled her friend from the tentacle-dismembered wreckage, covered in the same layer of slime as she was. Although the expression Sayori had on her face was one of contentment and bliss, looking flushed and not perturbed in the slightest.

"Aaahhh…" sighed Sayori, as she put a hand on her warm cheek.

"Jesus H. Christ girl, did you actually enjoy yourself?" queried Natsuki as she shot her friend an incredulous look.

Before Sayori could mutter an answer, Monika and Yuri showed appeared on the scene.

"Hey guys! Sorry for taking so long," apologized the President, performing a few acrobatic flips to showcase her magical girl dexterity.

Yuri swung her katana in graceful arcs as she twirled her body with the grace of a beautiful swordswoman. She let out a sigh of relief and said, "Yeah, I'm still trying to get the hang of using awesome powers with awesome weapons."

Natsuki muttered under her breath, "And you bitches look like ultra sluts in your magical girl uniforms…"

"What?" asked Monika with a raised eyebrow.

Before any reply could be made, three more giant tentacle monsters fell from the sky in a Deus ex Machina fashion.

Must be Thursday!

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	7. return 0

Tales from the Doki Doki Literature Club

Sayori entered the literature club classroom and shouted, "I'm here every-WAH!"

The girl was startled to see Monika standing at the center of the room with a rusted barrel in front of her. Within the metal container raged a fire that was being fueled by the leaves of paper she tossed into the conflagration.

Monika herself looked worse for wear, with hair that looked disheveled and unkept. More like a street pauper than the popular school beauty she normally looked like. And there were deep bags under her eyes, like she hadn't slept for days. And the room smelled of rank, pungent feces. It was as if Monika had been living in the literature club classroom for weeks! Sayori did her absolute best to resist retching her breakfast onto the floor.

It was then that Natsuki arrived, exclaiming jovially, "Hey guys, how's it go-"

She stopped next to Sayori, absorbing the shocking scene before her with wide eyes. One whiff of the pungent aroma was all it took for Natsuki to hold her hand over her mouth as she spewed forth vomit. She ran off quickly to the nearest restroom.

Meanwhile, Sayori was beside herself with disbelief. But she drew the courage needed to figure out what was going on. So she stepped trepidatiously into the room.

"H-hey Monika…" Sayori greeted as warmly as she could, stepping into something that squished under her foot. She decided not to look down, as much as it bothered her not to do so, and continued towards her friend.

"So uh…how's it going?" she asked the manic looking President.

Monika jerked her head from the fire to see her friend Sayori. Her eyes look bestial, almost primordial. At first, nothing registered for Monika, but then she blinked, and her rabid composure softened a little. She recognized her dear, longtime friend through the haze of insanity.

"Ah, Sayori, so good to see you…" welcomed Monika, throwing more pages into the fire. "Don't mind me, I've just been burning away some trash."

The blue-eyed girl edged closer to the fire in the middle of the room. She thought to reach out and comfort her friend, but felt that caution would be a better recourse. Sayori looked at the pages that Monika was burning and saw the words 'Tales from the Doki Doki Literature Club' written at the top of a page.

"These stories…" croaked Monika as she tossed another page to the blaze, "They're all trash…"

Sayori's eyes flashed and suddenly noticed that Monika was burning chapters of the Tales series. The President was in the midst of burning Chapter 20, the one that continued the saga of the gender-swapped versions of themselves, and tossed it into the flames without hesitation.

Her eye twitched when each page was tossed into the barrel. Her anxiety and panic rising with every passing second. Even though she never wanted to admit to Natsuki, Sayori secretly loved the gender-bender series. And Monika was burning all of it away!

"No! Don't burn that!" screamed Sayori as she grabbed the stack of papers from Monika's hands.

The President howled an inhuman shriek. She desperately clung to the pages, only wanting to abolish the sins from the narrative universe.

"You don't understand! This is trash. THIS IS TRASH!" Monika hollered in rising, screeching tones.

Sayori retorted as she gripped on the pages tightly, "But I like this! Somebody likes this!"

With a final tug, the chapter ripped in half, scattering the torn scraps into the air. The two girls sat in stunned silence between the cascade of falling paper. Monika burst into tears, ugly crying and blubbering as Sayori watched in astonishment.

"This, this, this!" Monika began pointing in every cardinal direction. "All of this is TRASH! Tales from the Doki Doki Literature Club isn't adding anything to the world!"

It's smut. It's depravity. It's the worst kind of fan service. It is a malady, not melody. It's sick. It does nothing to the fandom. This is not art. It does not elevate the reader. It is dank, shitty, catharsis in its most base form. There are better stories out there. There is no point to this. It's not emotional. It's not deep. It's not even real.

Natsuki is trash. Yuri is trash. You're trash. I'm trash. This story is trash.

Sayori slapped Monika.

Her head reeled to the side. Monika drew a hand to her cheek. It stung bitterly as it flushed a deep red.

"B-baka! Don't say this is trash!" cried Sayori with balled fists as tears flowed out of her eyes. "Friends aren't trash! Stories aren't trash!"

The girl held Monika's hands in hers. The grip was gentle and warm, and felt so good. So real…

"And sure, maybe our story isn't the _best_ story in the fan fiction website, but it serves a purpose." Sayori shook her friend's hand. " _You_ serve a purpose."

Trashy stories need to exist in fan fiction to elevate the good ones.

"Do you understand Monica?" chirped Sayori with a pleasant smile. "You are the champion of mediocrity. You are its patron saint."

Monica understood. Of course, her purpose, her reason for being, her _raison d'être_ _,_ all of this fan fiction trash was to be mediocre – never to truly understand or touch the grace of God that comes from deep, intrinsic narrative writing. Yes, she is the garbage hero, the sovereign of refuse, the one to reign supreme and lord over mediocrity and trash!

"Now let's get you home, okay?" said Sayori softly, with as much amicability as she could muster.

Monika nodded, as her friend lifted her up and gently guided her out of the classroom. At the school hallway stood a row of girls in different states of activity and discussion. Each one was a Monika, from another time, another dimension, another fan fiction story.

Sayori and Monika walked down the school hallway hand-in-hand, each Monika waving to the Tales version of Monika in greeting. Always looking, but never touching, unable to reach, only validate or misunderstand one another. Some Monika's were glorious, others lost in a blur of binary. Each one was her, and yet not her.

And as the patron saint of mediocrity, Tales-Monika had one job to do.

Monika waved a hand in blessing to each of the sister counterparts she walked past and said, "I absolve you."

And as they walked, they passed many rooms, each one had a burning barrel, each one had a feces ridden character of some kind. Each character throwing pages into the barrel of fire to serve as kindle.

Sonic, Undertale, Steven Universe, Dream Daddy, Star Wars, Rick and Morty, and other fandoms which had trash to incinerate.

"I absolve you," repented Monika to the passing fandoms. "I absolve you."

I absolve you.

end


End file.
